The 24th year.

My 25th birthday is quickly approaching and here are the highlights of my 24th year:

1. I met, and dated for a short while, the perfect man on paper who was not so perfect in person.
2. I ran three tough races with minimal training and got a PR in two of them.
3. I ran in a Foam Glow 5k run and had way more fun than I had originally anticipated.
4. I ran in a hit and run 5k run and didn't have as much fun as I anticipated.
5. I fell in love with fitness, but I battled a lot of personal body image thoughts.
6. I realized my fitness dreams are achievable and set new fitness goals.
7. I lost my grandmother, whom helped raise me, and that was difficult.
8. I lost my grandfather, and I felt bad that I wasn't able to make it home for his funeral.
9. I covered up old wounds with extended family members by God's radical grace.
10. I started my 2nd year of teaching and it has been way harder than I expected.
11. I got myself a "new" car because my old car fell apart, and it wasn't as terrifying as I thought it would be.
12. I finally got baptized.
13. I met my niece and fell in love instantly.
14.  I attended my best friend's wedding.
15. I read a lot of books.
16. I discovered a new TV show thanks to co-workers.
17. I attended a couple wine and canvases for fun and found out that I can follow directions.
18. I danced on a bar.
19. I survived several threats for not liking the Pittsburgh Steelers.
20. I lost friends, and rekindled old friendships -- if only for a short time.
21. I got involved with two church small groups.
22. I sang karaoke for the first, and hopefully the last time, and survived embarrassment.
23. I learned to love and appreciate yoga.
And last but not least, 24. I realized my birthday just isn't that exciting anymore. :P

As a little girl, I dreamed I would be married at 25, but unless I meet someone spectacular I realize that dream just isn't coming true. I'm also realizing that maybe my future isn't tied to a person. I may be single for life and that's okay. Until then, I'm going to keep loving and forgiving myself and others. If Mr. Right shows up, great. If not, that's okay too.

A selfish wish from the bottom of my grieving heart.

Dear Grammy,

It would be completely selfish of me, or anyone, to say that we wish you were still here. Your mind has been gone for a year now, and recognition comes few and far between. Your inability to distinguish real children from doll babies totally support that your mind was gone, but your heart was fully functioning on all cylinders.

I wanted to tell you, Grammy, that you have taught me so much about life and love. There is no one in this world that could have had such a big heart inside such a tiny frame like you did. Standing at 4'9" I'm convinced that throughout your life, though you may have been shrinking with age, your heart only grew. Honestly, I'm thinking my only regretful question I never asked you was how you managed to still be so pleasant and loved while being angry? Even during your angry "rages" you were still more pleasant than I have ever been when I am even the tiniest bit frustrated.

Mostly, I wanted to take this time to walk down memory lane with you -- for all the years you have helped raise me.

1. Thank you, for taking that photo of me sitting on the toilet. Though the picture is completely absurd, it demonstrates to me the radiance of just how proud of me you were in that moment. I was finally using my big girl potty, and I'm sure my parents were mortified by the photo. Thinking about it now, it showed me that even in the tiniest things you were proud of me, and that was only the beginning of it.
2. Just a tip for your mansion in heaven: plywood does not fix a broken couch. Your sea green couch was way past its prime when you decided to shove that plywood under the cushions, but that couch did serve its purpose by providing me a place to nap over the years. However, please note that your plywood just made the cushions slip off and it really wasn't the most pleasant thing to wake up on.  How did we not get splinters from this contraption?
3. I'm sorry I broke your garage door. From swinging on that door all those times as a child, I'm amazed the doorknob never broke off. I guess they don't make doorknobs like they used to, because I'm certain that if a 50 pound kid swung on one it wouldn't be a fun game like your garage door was. I am sorry though, that it never quite shut right after all those years. It was fun though, until we got busted.
4. I'm sorry I broke your coffee table, the one with the "seat" on it. Though the coffee table really didn't have a built in seat, you did tolerate me sitting on it to color and complete puzzles from time to time. Then, the leg started to wobble, and I was no longer allowed on this seat, but thank you for the fun while it lasted.
5. I'm sorry I had to be bribed to sleep over at your house for the first time. This one is a tough one to swallow. It's a clear picture that describes my stubbornness and dedication to getting what I want. I'm sorry that in order for me to sleep over at your house, I made my parents buy me a computer game. I'm even more sorry that after they had bought me the stupid, computer game I spent the entire time crying for them until they came back. I am selfish, and I realize that now. Thank you for loving me anyway.
6. Why are squirrels so fascinating? No matter how many squirrels I could ever possibly have seen while growing up in Pennsylvania, you absolutely loved to watch them scurry up and down trees. Every single day I went to your house you'd pull me over to the window to show me the squirrels running up and down the tree with a big smile on your face. Your loving heart extended to animals too.
7. Thank you for loving my dog. I may have been completely frustrated with your inability to remember that you just fed my dog a four-course meal about 5 minutes ago, but truthfully I loved seeing you interact with my dog. Yes, I can thank you to the fact that my dog is overweight, but she loved visiting you so much. I'm confident she would ride any length of time in a car if she knew she was seeing you at the end.
8. Thank you for supporting my athletic events. No matter what sport I was in, you could be found in the grandstands with my picture pinned to your #1 Grandma sweatshirt. I cannot thank you enough for the countless hours you spent at sporting events to support me. It really means a lot.
9. Thank you for making anyone I brought over feel welcome. No matter who I brought over to your house you would continually welcome them with loving arms. Sure, you couldn't keep a lot of their names straight, but you always welcomed them.
10. Thank you, for believing that someday I will find my prince charming. Every time you asked me if I was wearing a wedding ring, it broke my heart a little bit because my happily ever after seems so far away. However, each time I told you no, that I was not married, you always reassured me that I was a catch and someone worth pursuing. So thank you, for believing in me.

Lastly, I'm so sorry I am not closer to you as you take your final breaths. I'm so sorry, but please know that it does not change in my heart the amount that I love you. I'm sorry you couldn't keep your memories straight as the years past, and I'm so sorry I couldn't help you sort through them when you were confused. It was heartbreaking to watch you relive your parents death every day that we had to explain they were no longer here. You're going to reunite with them very soon., and you're going to feel nothing but absolute joy and happiness where you are going. You are going to meet your Creator and wrap your loving arms around your siblings, your parents, your husband, and your son-in-law, too. There is a party waiting  for your arrival and I am 100% certain that you are going to hear the Lord tell you, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." While I will miss you each and every day you're gone from here, I cannot be sad for you. I am sad for us, the ones you're leaving behind. I am joyful for you to have your memories back. I'm delighted you will reunite with the ones you've been missing here, but I am sad for us -- the ones that get left behind. So, Grammy, with my final words I have to say to you I want to say this one thing, "I'll see you again, someday, Lord willing. I love you." 

Love,

Nikki

Relationships and their hurts --- is it worth it?

For the past two months, I have spent the majority of my time balancing my own personal life with trying to admit another person into it. For the last year, I have considered, what would I be willing to sacrifice for a relationship? What will I give up in order to put myself in a functional, working relationship? I had selfish ambitions for the last three years, but the ever daunting loneliness was sinking into me. This feeling was so much apart of what I was feeling that I was considering to move closer to my family because I just wasn't meeting anyone.

I gave online dating a shot in the dark. Well, online dating has since proven to be a burden on someone that is untrusting and insecure like me. I thought I was over those feelings, but over the last several weeks, I have learned otherwise. There was a band-aid covering age-old wounds that were suddenly ripped open and bleeding.

To start, online dating was nothing but overwhelming. I went into it with the idea and concept that I would give lots of people a shot. Conversations ended quickly, and many wanted to move ever quicker to get off the website. I had stored people into my phone as descriptions of who they were so I could remember them.

In one weekend, I spent Friday night going out with a man I ended up seeing for about two months. I didn't know it then, but it was going to be the relationship, or start of one, that was going to throw me back into these feelings of insecurity. However, that Friday night was and will always be a good story to tell my friends and family. On Saturday of that same weekend, I met two other individuals. The first was awkward in forced questions with short answers and uncomfortable silence. I have never been so excited to not have to be sitting at a meal with someone. We played mini golf, and that was awkward enough. The second man I met that night was shorter than I and portrayed himself to be incredibly wealthy. He was nice enough, and a man of strong faith which I had appreciated a lot. However, by the end of that "date" he told me in no uncertain words, that I could consider a boob job if I would ever want to get plastic surgery. Needless to say, I did not see either one of those gentlemen again. Sunday, I was back with the man from Friday night spending the entire day with him.

This relationship was off to a quick start, but I thought it was the beginning of an adult relationship. I was excited to have really hit it off with someone that wasn't into any games and seemed to have the same faith based beliefs as I did. I had a string of overly stressful, bad days at work, and my friend was being forced to move to a new building when he called to push back our dinner time. I had finished making dinner, and just wanted to spend time with him after an incredibly stressful day. I was frustrated and I wanted to let him know that. I thought that keeping my feelings inside and not expressing to him that he was frustrating me would be the wrong thing to do. I wanted to be open and honest with this relationship, and I have seen countless times that men are not mind readers and do not pick up on hints. This was the first time I would ever learn of what is called the "shit test." Apparently, that is what I had given him. A test to see how he would react based on me telling him that I was frustrated with him for moving our plans, when the day before we had agreed to not change our plans unless there was an emergency. I thought I was just being honest, and he thought that I was putting him through some kind of test. Now, don't get me wrong, there is always three sides to every story and his point of view is clearly different than mine. He is entitled to this opinion.

Later, I felt guilty for being off-putting towards him and acting rudely. I took my frustrations out on him. I apologized, but he was ready to call it quits right there. I should have taken the hint and bowed out gracefully right then and there. However, I was determined that I would put forth a solid effort towards him, but I had a sinking feeling that his profile was back up online. Sure enough, I saw that it was. I did not confront him because I justified that he was able to do so since we had only been seeing each other for a short time and that I was not able to call myself his girlfriend yet. Several weeks go by, he flies me up to San Francisco for the weekend to see him even though he's working. I thought that at this point we were pretty exclusive because he had gone through the trouble of doing that. I asked him what he would consider us to be, and he told me he didn't like labels. That should have been red flag number two.

To make a long story short, I spent a lot of gas money driving over to his place several times a week. He refused to come visit me, and when I did see him during the week it was always at 7:30 or later. I made excuses for him because I knew he was having a busy work schedule, and I wasn't ready to say that he was just being selfish and uncompromisable. Fast forward to this past Friday, when we hashed it out over the phone which the conversation ended in me stating, "You won't hear from me until you figure out what you want." His response was, "Cool. Goodnight." I haven't heard from him since.

So, what did I give up? Well, I certainly made time for my faith. I still attended my weekend church services and the small groups each week. I did give up my time, and my exercise routine. I skipped the gym and pretended to be okay with it. I prayed over and over again that things would turn around, and that this was only a temporary thing. Since I haven't heard from him I understand now that I was living in a jaded state of mind. I didn't think that I would fall for someone so stupidly again, but I was wrong. I'm not sad, but I am frustrated. I am 25 in just under one month, and I've dated enough people to know that it is not something I want to continue to do. I want to settle down if I'm with someone, and if I am single I want to be content with that. Meeting people here seems to be the hardest thing. I am sad that I have to start all over again, because I was just learning how to trust someone again. I gave up more than he did, and for what? To end up feeling silly and foolish while he feels satisfaction, I'm sure.

I could use the prayers of anyone reading this right now because I am facing the negative thoughts and feelings that I had three years ago when I ended that relationship. I know that this is not the end, and that I can and probably will find someone out there who is truly  "meant for me." It is just hard to understand how people can have unequal feelings toward you when you seem to be investing your time and energy into them so clearly.

The Craziest Dreams!!

Okay, I'll try to keep this brief. Last night I had the craziest dreams!! I dreamt that my mother was shot in the head through our window with a shotgun by my cousins, and out of my stupidity I was next. Then I woke up. Next up in my dreams was getting baptized in a mud bath (it symbolized that I didn't have to be "clean" and have my life together, but that Jesus would help me do that daily). My young adult group leaders at church had filmed the entire event and really encouraged me and I cried. It was actually a beautiful dream. Then my final dream of the night, I was mad at myself because I ate pizza (like 3 pieces) and Reese pieces and ruined my 21 day clutch cut diet. I guess I am craving things in my subconscious mind! Don't worry, my mom hasn't died. I did call her at 3AM my time 6AM hers to wake her up and make sure she was alive. & I didn't break diet. I'm going strong with the help of the Lord!

What's your favorite way to worship?

Mine? I enjoy reflecting on music lyrics while riding in the car or going on a walk with my dog and admiring God's creations. Something about the lyrics of songs just get me. They're like unspoken words or thoughts that describe the trials and moments I'm going through. They give me peace and sometimes chills. When I get the chills I like to think its God's way of holding me and letting me know that He is there. Why? Because it doesn't happen to just any song. I don't just get goosebumps each time I listen to a song. I don't break down and cry on every song either. Sometimes though, the music just hits me. The words just slam into me like a brick wall and my body reacts with goosebumps. I'm moved from my inner core, and I know that the words the song is stating are true. I know that my God is trying to tell me a message through the worship song, and that is the way that I feel that I can connect the most with God.

Brought to my knees

There is nothing, besides death, that can bring me to my knees faster than my car having to be repaired. Financially it's a huge burden on my wallet, and spikes my anxiety levels to an all-time high.

I do not trust mechanics for the simple fact that 1. I feel that they make up things that I need to have replaced and/or 2. They tell me that my car is fine and I am not convinced it is. I'm also crippled by the fear that I am driving a death trap to not only myself but others. Drivers, cyclists, joggers -- you name it! I'm scared that my car (even if it were brand new) is going to lose a tire and cause me to lose control and hurt others. 

Is this realistic? Not really, but I have severe anxiety over the unknown. Each time I take my hunk of junk car to the shop for a multiple hundred dollar repair I come out of the shop and cry in the confines of my room. I don't want a car payment, but I don't want an unreliable car. Each time I continue to give the situation to God and believe He is protecting me everywhere -- especially in my car. My first priority is to pay off my student loans. Then, I'll consider getting a car. 

Today's song on repeat for comfort: Danny Gokey's Hope in Front of Me.

Learning to love myself -- all the broken parts included.

Redeemed By: Big Daddy Weave

When I hear a song that takes me back to a broken part of my life I want to cry and laugh and smile all at the same time. The above song was written by a man who was struggling with his weight, and that truly inspired me because I am someone that has battled over the course of my teenage and adult life with body image -- more so in the last three years than ever before.

Now this post will show yet another part of my faith journey of how I became more serious about my relationship in Christ over the last two years. January 2012 at Tri County Church pastor Dave Bish was speaking a message out of the book of John chapter 4. He was talking about the Samaritan woman at the well. He named her Wendy. Now, I am by no means a woman with 5 husbands and living with a boyfriend, but this message truly struck me for my "come to Jesus" meeting. It was like the message was speaking directly to me, even though I hadn't had the same experience as this woman.

You see, I was in a serious relationship from about November 2009 until April 2011. I was with a gentleman that I had thought would be someone that could possibly be my forever partner. Around September 2010 the relationship went south and I was trying everything I could to savor it. Finally in April, I had had enough and ended what I felt like was a one-way relationship. I was devastated. Then, in about May, I tried to reconcile with my now ex-boyfriend to see if there was anything we could do to work it out. In my mind, when he was leaving my house that night, it was like watching a movie where the girl falls pathetically onto the ground in fetal position while the boy drives away without looking back. Seriously, that's basically how it happened.

Anyway, after the relationship had ended and I knew it was over for good I wish I could tell you that I put my big girl pants on and faced the world with dignity. I didn't. Until January 2012 I wallowed in self-pity and self-hatred. I felt far from beautiful. I was believing the lie that I would never be good enough for someone. I spent an insane amount of my free time at the gym. Now, I never got incredibly thin because though I spent at least 6 out of 7 days a week working out for about an hour and a half, I indulged in all the foods I could find. So I neither gained nor lost weight in my extreme struggle for finding my inner beauty. I went back to college that fall for my senior year, and spent most of my Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays out at the bar with my friends and got considerably wasted. I'd come home to my apartment at the end of the night, stumbling up my stairs, and cry my eyes out into my pillows because I was NOT dealing well without a boyfriend. I had a hole in my heart I just could not fill. In fact, this was the only time I had ever gotten black-out, can't remember a darned thing drunk. I was hungover the next day for the entire day. It was by far the worst feeling in the world. Thankfully, I was with people whom I loved and still do who watched over me and I didn't do anything stupid. I have not and will not ever drink to that excessive level again. THAT was a real wake up call. I had a problem. After that, my drinking binges severely decreased. Still, I wasn't loving myself any better.

Fast forward to January 2012 in church. I was awakened then that though I wasn't in and out of relationships with people, I was looking in the wrong places to fill the hole in my heart. I learned then that I was similar to Wendy in that I was looking for an earthly boyfriend to fulfill my thirst and I heard Jesus asking me, "Isn't my endless love good enough for you? I have plans and promises for you. I will love you until the end. I DO love you as you are right now. Come to me." From that night on, I started to take my faith serious. Since then, I have developed an inner peace and though I still get lonely, I am learning that I have been set free from my former self.

My former self is a shadow of who I am. I am still not in a relationship, but that's because I am praying that God will bring the right person into my life when the time is right. I want my next relationship to be built on a foundation of Christ so that it cannot be broken. I want to be with someone that will grow with me in Christ and push me towards Christ when I am upset. I am redeemed in Christ's love.

Do I still have days that I struggle with what I see in the mirror? Absolutely. Do I feel the loneliness creep up on me as I did before? Absolutely. The difference is that now I pray about these feelings. I use my struggle from my past to help me develop my future. Hating what I saw in the mirror got me into a gym. I am still active in the gym to this day, and I feel that it is where I may be called for Christ. Had I not gone through this break-up I don't know that I would have ever began lifting weights, and that spark, and potential Christ calling, would have never been ignited. So now, I use my gym time as a time to glorify God and the strength He has given me. It is a place where I pray to pursue my latest dream, to make it in the fitness industry. I am learning to love myself and all my broken pieces because God has molded me through these experiences to grow closer to Him.

Technology: Godsend or pain?

I just wanted to say something real quick, and anyone that reads this, please help a sister out! I, along with many others, have a borderline addiction to social media. I say borderline because I usually only post, check, or update when I'm bored. I try very hard to stay in the real world when I'm with others. However, moving across the country by yourself doesn't warrant you many friend options -- until you get out there and makes some. So, I have my coworker friends, sure. I have gone out with them with high hopes of meeting other people to connect with, but have not done such successfully. So I told myself that if I wanted to build genuine friendships I should start to connect with others at my church in a small group. I have tried, on various occasions, to do this. (Sidenote: I HAVE actually met some people that I am slowly building a relationship towards friendship with, I think.) However, this task, like any other place, has proven difficult. Even at church you have the groups that are already established with hard ways in. So I go home and I am praying everyday, sometimes more than once, "God please grant me a few friendships that help me get rid of this lonliness."

 So what does this have to do with technology? Here is my problem with technology. I have followed several people from church online, and when I try to communicate with them via comments on their photographs I am blatantly ignored. No doubt, that though we have met and acquainted on several occasions, this person doesn't follow me. I have no issues with that, but the problem I have is being ignored. I WANT to develop true friendships with people here and to connect on a real level, but if I can't even do that with people at my church how can I begin to move forward anywhere in my life? This is just about the only place I go besides work! (Now it's summer so no work) And to the gym, but again, most people are at the gym to put work in and not socialize. So is technology really that great? Or does it hurt is more than help us?

My move and decision to go to Vegas.

If you've never listened to the song above, please, do me a favor and listen to it. Just once.

This song has been playing on my heart for a few weeks now. I heard it months back, but its been in my head and the lyrics are reaching out to me. It is where I hear God saying to me, "This is what I ask of you. Find me. Search for me."

I have been searching for my place in this world for years. I'm still finding who it is and where I am supposed to be, but I've never been any closer than this last 9 months has taken me. I graduated college with a strong desire to move out of Pennsylvania. I wanted to move out west for what I felt was my calling. I felt God telling me that my place is not in my hometown where I was born and raised, and I didn't want to move south. I'd never been further west than Alabama, but the Lord placed this desire on my heart.

I waited a painful, soul-searching year in Pennsylvania where I was questioning my own existence. Why did I go to school for education? Why didn't I have enough money to just leave and go do everything I wanted to do? Was it worth all the hours I was working? Could I ever leave the town that seemed to be dragging me down? Where am I going to go? How many jobs do I have to apply for before I even get a call back? Why was no one willing to interview with me if I were such a great student? What was my life purpose? Why did I have this crazy desire to move so far away when I knew no one would ever venture with me? Why am I being called to go somewhere that scares me more than staying in my "safety net"? 

Every thought I had was self-doubt. I was letting the devil dictate my soul, but I spent months just going to church, praying, and SOAPing as Tri-County Church of God called it. When I was really discouraged, I spent time reading over my SOAPs (Scripture read, observation of reading, application for my life, and prayer) and noticed that I was continually getting my prayers answered. My overall peace was greater than my fears because I knew that with God leading me I would never be let down or alone. 

Las Vegas schools got ahold of my application, and it was west. I was taking interviews (two of them). I felt the first went really well, but I never head back for 3 weeks (after I had already accepted my current job). The other interview, that I thought went horribly, resulted in a call back several hours later with an offer. Before each interview I remember praying simply, "Lord, if this is where you want me to go open the door. Give me the job, and I will go." He did. I cowered in fear. Plagued by the sheer expense of the move. I spent a week wrestling finances. A week later, I called my boss and said, "I can't afford the move."

That night I spent crying in my room after going Incredible Hulk on it. I was tearing my furniture around trying to remove the foul smell of pee from my dog convienantly releaving herself under my bed. My mom entered my room to see it torn apart with me facing the wall while sitting on the bed just sobbing. (I'm tearing up remembering how I felt.) She asked if I was okay, and I was screaming that I was worthless and no one would ever want to have me as their teacher. I was going to work as a substitute teacher forever with a minimum wage job at Kmart putting in 60+ hours a week and living at home. I was so angry with God that night for offering me a job in the place where I felt called, but couldn't financially afford it after spending a year of saving. 

Luckily, God wouldn't let me slam the door I prayed for him to open. He was patient, and He was working FOR me behind the scenes. My boss wasn't ready to let me go. He was going to fight for me. I was coming to Vegas one way or the other. That is truly where I placed my faith into God. I saw that no matter how many times I told Him I wasn't able to go He was telling me, "Child, trust in me." 

I spent almost every dime I owned moving out here. I packed everything tightly into my station wagon, and if it didn't fit it wasn't coming. On the way out here my car axles broke. I had to make my first ever dip into my Dave Ramsey Emergency fund. I was so scared. I wouldn't get paid for 5 weeks out here and I was broker than broke upon arrival. 

I tried a few churches, and the first Sunday I spent at Canyon Ridge because that's where my hometown pastor recommended. It was a really nice service, and as soon as the music started playing I started crying. My mom had left a few days prior to church and I was so incredibly lonely. I powered through, and these last 9 months have been trying but incredible. I know that this is where God is calling me. My feet almost failed, but I trusted in Him to carry me. I'm not certain that I'm in the current position that I will be forever. I feel God leading me in a direction that is not exactly the path I'm on, but similar. Its baby steps. 

He called me out upon these waters where I had no one but Him to lean on. My feet almost failed but I called upon him in my mystery. My faith is standing -- stronger than ever. I'm keeping my eyes above all the trials sent my way. I'm comforted in my Savior's promise to love and protect me. I am His. He is mine.

"You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown, where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep, my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine"

Oceans By: Hillsong United