Redeemed By: Big Daddy Weave
Now this post will show yet another part of my faith journey of how I became more serious about my relationship in Christ over the last two years. January 2012 at Tri County Church pastor Dave Bish was speaking a message out of the book of John chapter 4. He was talking about the Samaritan woman at the well. He named her Wendy. Now, I am by no means a woman with 5 husbands and living with a boyfriend, but this message truly struck me for my "come to Jesus" meeting. It was like the message was speaking directly to me, even though I hadn't had the same experience as this woman.
You see, I was in a serious relationship from about November 2009 until April 2011. I was with a gentleman that I had thought would be someone that could possibly be my forever partner. Around September 2010 the relationship went south and I was trying everything I could to savor it. Finally in April, I had had enough and ended what I felt like was a one-way relationship. I was devastated. Then, in about May, I tried to reconcile with my now ex-boyfriend to see if there was anything we could do to work it out. In my mind, when he was leaving my house that night, it was like watching a movie where the girl falls pathetically onto the ground in fetal position while the boy drives away without looking back. Seriously, that's basically how it happened.
Anyway, after the relationship had ended and I knew it was over for good I wish I could tell you that I put my big girl pants on and faced the world with dignity. I didn't. Until January 2012 I wallowed in self-pity and self-hatred. I felt far from beautiful. I was believing the lie that I would never be good enough for someone. I spent an insane amount of my free time at the gym. Now, I never got incredibly thin because though I spent at least 6 out of 7 days a week working out for about an hour and a half, I indulged in all the foods I could find. So I neither gained nor lost weight in my extreme struggle for finding my inner beauty. I went back to college that fall for my senior year, and spent most of my Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays out at the bar with my friends and got considerably wasted. I'd come home to my apartment at the end of the night, stumbling up my stairs, and cry my eyes out into my pillows because I was NOT dealing well without a boyfriend. I had a hole in my heart I just could not fill. In fact, this was the only time I had ever gotten black-out, can't remember a darned thing drunk. I was hungover the next day for the entire day. It was by far the worst feeling in the world. Thankfully, I was with people whom I loved and still do who watched over me and I didn't do anything stupid. I have not and will not ever drink to that excessive level again. THAT was a real wake up call. I had a problem. After that, my drinking binges severely decreased. Still, I wasn't loving myself any better.
Fast forward to January 2012 in church. I was awakened then that though I wasn't in and out of relationships with people, I was looking in the wrong places to fill the hole in my heart. I learned then that I was similar to Wendy in that I was looking for an earthly boyfriend to fulfill my thirst and I heard Jesus asking me, "Isn't my endless love good enough for you? I have plans and promises for you. I will love you until the end. I DO love you as you are right now. Come to me." From that night on, I started to take my faith serious. Since then, I have developed an inner peace and though I still get lonely, I am learning that I have been set free from my former self.
My former self is a shadow of who I am. I am still not in a relationship, but that's because I am praying that God will bring the right person into my life when the time is right. I want my next relationship to be built on a foundation of Christ so that it cannot be broken. I want to be with someone that will grow with me in Christ and push me towards Christ when I am upset. I am redeemed in Christ's love.
Do I still have days that I struggle with what I see in the mirror? Absolutely. Do I feel the loneliness creep up on me as I did before? Absolutely. The difference is that now I pray about these feelings. I use my struggle from my past to help me develop my future. Hating what I saw in the mirror got me into a gym. I am still active in the gym to this day, and I feel that it is where I may be called for Christ. Had I not gone through this break-up I don't know that I would have ever began lifting weights, and that spark, and potential Christ calling, would have never been ignited. So now, I use my gym time as a time to glorify God and the strength He has given me. It is a place where I pray to pursue my latest dream, to make it in the fitness industry. I am learning to love myself and all my broken pieces because God has molded me through these experiences to grow closer to Him.
