Dear future husband,
I just finished reading a book about praying for you. I'm fairly certain we haven't met yet, but I could be wrong. That wouldn't be the first time and certainly won't be the last. I had a feeling that I should pray that you come to find Jesus. So, I prayed that you would find Him about a week ago. I prayed that someone in your life was following Jesus and would introduce you to Him. After that prayer, I felt good.
To be honest with you, I'm not sure who you are or where you currently are in your life. I just feel like I should write to you. I know that when you and I meet that I want our relationship to have a solid foundation with Christ in the center of it. I'm praying that your heart is learning to be guarded. I'm praying that your heart will resist earthly temptations and that you will wait for me starting now if you haven't already. I'm praying that you will be someone who is fully committed to making our relationship a functional, healthy, and God-focused relationship. I pray that you will be patient with me and my past, present, and future self. I'm praying these things for myself as well.
I'm praying that you will be present in our relationship. I'm praying that you will help me grow to be a better wife to you, a good mother to our future children if we have them, and a woman who loves God more and more each day. I'm praying that together we can build an empire and bring others to Christ through our work. I'm praying that together we will be a couple that can work through difficulties without hurting each other. I'm praying that you and I will balance each other out.
I'm praying that you might be someone who has shared interests as me. It would be awesome if you were someone that enjoyed lifting weights and sharing in fun runs, but that is only a bonus quality that isn't a deal breaker. I'm praying that you're someone that won't forget that you have your friends and I have mine. I'm praying that you're someone who is secure enough to allow us to have time with our friends, and someone that will trust me completely.
Future husband, I'm praying that you will be praying for me as well. I don't know when our paths will cross or if they have already, but know that I'm ready for you when God says we are to intertwine our lives. Future husband, I'm looking forward to the day that I no longer have to wonder who you are and what you're like. Future husband, I'm looking forward to getting to know you and loving you for who you are now and who you will become. I'm looking forward to moving forward in this life with you by my side as God leads us together. Future husband, I am hoping that you will start to feel this way about me if you're not already.
Yours,
Nikki
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Monday, March 9, 2015
Chapter 2: Pray He Will Be a God Lover
1. It's weird to think that my future husband could potentially be in a relationship right now. You never want to think about the person you're interested in being with someone else, so its odd to think of the future as what it may be presently holding. It makes me want to pray that my future husband is out of the relationship so that God can show him to me. The longer the relationship lasts, the more people will hurt in the end.
2. I think it is a similar answer to the first question. We don't like to think about the past, but its likely that we will both have people from our past. Some of it may hurt us. I want to make sure that I don't have anymore painful stories to add to my past for my future husband. I am in a place where I'm not looking to date around, and I do want my next relationship to be my last relationship.
3. I had someone fly me out of state to visit him. It seemed really romantic in the moment. However, when the "vacation" arrived, I didn't spend much time with him because of his work. I felt pretty special, but after I had got there and left I didn't feel special at all.
4. To me, that part really stuck out. He bought me with His blood! How many people do we say we would lay our lives down for? Would we really do that? God did! He loved us that much.
5. I can relate to Tricia. I felt like it was normal to be sexually involved with someone. I felt that if I hadn't because of the way society is that I wouldn't be someone that was worth staying with. I knew it was wrong --- every. single. time. I never once felt good about what I was doing, but it was a fear I had developed thanks to the media and today's world.
6. When we give too much of our story to someone we are emotionally involved. If we are sharing our lives with someone they work in to become part of our story. It can be hard to rip that person out of your life when you've created so many memories together.
7. Pray about them. Draw close and communicate with Him and He will help heal us.
8. When I am struggling and crying out to God I will feel a sense of peace. I know that is when God has his arms wrapped around me. That's when He tells me what I will be okay because He is there for me.
9. Yesterday, I prayed that my future husband would have someone in his life to show him who God was. That could be equivalent to what Shannon was praying about. That makes a little bit nervous because I am wondering when he would be shown and how do I trust him to be truly in love with God when he hears the story? Of course, the answer is prayer.
10. Just like number 5, I believed that no one would stay with me if I didn't give myself physically. God is sad about that because I've defaced His temple that He gave me. Thankfully, God is a merciful and graceful God. I am hoping that in the future I am stronger and have my future husband join me in the same shared beliefs.
2. I think it is a similar answer to the first question. We don't like to think about the past, but its likely that we will both have people from our past. Some of it may hurt us. I want to make sure that I don't have anymore painful stories to add to my past for my future husband. I am in a place where I'm not looking to date around, and I do want my next relationship to be my last relationship.
3. I had someone fly me out of state to visit him. It seemed really romantic in the moment. However, when the "vacation" arrived, I didn't spend much time with him because of his work. I felt pretty special, but after I had got there and left I didn't feel special at all.
4. To me, that part really stuck out. He bought me with His blood! How many people do we say we would lay our lives down for? Would we really do that? God did! He loved us that much.
5. I can relate to Tricia. I felt like it was normal to be sexually involved with someone. I felt that if I hadn't because of the way society is that I wouldn't be someone that was worth staying with. I knew it was wrong --- every. single. time. I never once felt good about what I was doing, but it was a fear I had developed thanks to the media and today's world.
6. When we give too much of our story to someone we are emotionally involved. If we are sharing our lives with someone they work in to become part of our story. It can be hard to rip that person out of your life when you've created so many memories together.
7. Pray about them. Draw close and communicate with Him and He will help heal us.
8. When I am struggling and crying out to God I will feel a sense of peace. I know that is when God has his arms wrapped around me. That's when He tells me what I will be okay because He is there for me.
9. Yesterday, I prayed that my future husband would have someone in his life to show him who God was. That could be equivalent to what Shannon was praying about. That makes a little bit nervous because I am wondering when he would be shown and how do I trust him to be truly in love with God when he hears the story? Of course, the answer is prayer.
10. Just like number 5, I believed that no one would stay with me if I didn't give myself physically. God is sad about that because I've defaced His temple that He gave me. Thankfully, God is a merciful and graceful God. I am hoping that in the future I am stronger and have my future husband join me in the same shared beliefs.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Praying for You Future Husband: Chapter 2
I'm going to answer my book's chapter questions here in this blog. If you're curious about the book I'm reading, its called Praying for You Future Husband: Preparing Your Heart for His bu Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer.
1. The day my serious relationship with Jesus started was a day I went to church with my mother. I had grown up as a Christian, but until college I was a "when I feel like going, definitely at Christmas and Easter" kind of church goer. That is, until this day in January when my pastor was speaking about John 4. Dave Bish was talking about the woman at the well and named her Wendy. Basically, I felt like this message was speaking to me. I needed God's life water to fill me up. I was living wrecklessly.
2. This question did not apply to me because I have a personal relationship with Jesus.
3. I hide from God because I'm being selfish and giving into my human self. I hide when I feel like my soul is battling good vs. evil and the evil seems to be prevailing.
4. I first felt love beginning in my own heart the day I heard that message with Pastor Dave. God loved me and wanted a real relationship with me. I was good enough, as I was. I didn't need to run anymore. I could come as I was and work on healing and being the person God has created me to be.
5. Yes, I do. I get lonely. I try to remind myself that it doesn't necessarily mean that those people are happy in their relationships. I also know that when God brings the man He desires for me to be with it will be worth the wait.
6. No, I don't think it's realistic. At such a young age, we don't usually know who we are. We are discovering ourselves and what we want now could change in the future. At my age now, if the relationship is healthy and communicative then yes, we can think he may be the one. I do think it will have to be with much prayer though, and God as the foundation.
7. When the scripture says then you (us) will call on me (God) and I (God, again) will listen. When we call on God and draw close to him and communicate with Him instead of demand things from Him as if He were a genie, He will listen. It's like any relationship we have on earth. Demands aren't always heard, but often seem to be nags. Discussion draws us closer to our goals.
8. Praying and asking is like we are walking with a parent for guidance, advice, and permission. Demands are like a child whom doesn't know that he/she is not in control. Demands are like God is a genie whom must grant you wishes.
9. It's comforting because like a parent, He doesn't want us to hurt. He wants to give us the best.
10. To me, it makes it easier to talk to. I have a healthy relationship with my early parents, so I find them easy to talk to. It makes it easier to talk to a father whom loves you and wants the best for you.
11. I pray that my future husband is a Christ follower. And if he is not, I pray that there is someone in his life that will guide him toward Christ so that he can follow Christ too.
12. Many times, when we give we tend to get more than we bargain for. Often, people find that helping others teaches them far more than they anticipated. I believe that is similar with prayer.
1. The day my serious relationship with Jesus started was a day I went to church with my mother. I had grown up as a Christian, but until college I was a "when I feel like going, definitely at Christmas and Easter" kind of church goer. That is, until this day in January when my pastor was speaking about John 4. Dave Bish was talking about the woman at the well and named her Wendy. Basically, I felt like this message was speaking to me. I needed God's life water to fill me up. I was living wrecklessly.
2. This question did not apply to me because I have a personal relationship with Jesus.
3. I hide from God because I'm being selfish and giving into my human self. I hide when I feel like my soul is battling good vs. evil and the evil seems to be prevailing.
4. I first felt love beginning in my own heart the day I heard that message with Pastor Dave. God loved me and wanted a real relationship with me. I was good enough, as I was. I didn't need to run anymore. I could come as I was and work on healing and being the person God has created me to be.
5. Yes, I do. I get lonely. I try to remind myself that it doesn't necessarily mean that those people are happy in their relationships. I also know that when God brings the man He desires for me to be with it will be worth the wait.
6. No, I don't think it's realistic. At such a young age, we don't usually know who we are. We are discovering ourselves and what we want now could change in the future. At my age now, if the relationship is healthy and communicative then yes, we can think he may be the one. I do think it will have to be with much prayer though, and God as the foundation.
7. When the scripture says then you (us) will call on me (God) and I (God, again) will listen. When we call on God and draw close to him and communicate with Him instead of demand things from Him as if He were a genie, He will listen. It's like any relationship we have on earth. Demands aren't always heard, but often seem to be nags. Discussion draws us closer to our goals.
8. Praying and asking is like we are walking with a parent for guidance, advice, and permission. Demands are like a child whom doesn't know that he/she is not in control. Demands are like God is a genie whom must grant you wishes.
9. It's comforting because like a parent, He doesn't want us to hurt. He wants to give us the best.
10. To me, it makes it easier to talk to. I have a healthy relationship with my early parents, so I find them easy to talk to. It makes it easier to talk to a father whom loves you and wants the best for you.
11. I pray that my future husband is a Christ follower. And if he is not, I pray that there is someone in his life that will guide him toward Christ so that he can follow Christ too.
12. Many times, when we give we tend to get more than we bargain for. Often, people find that helping others teaches them far more than they anticipated. I believe that is similar with prayer.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
The 24th year.
My 25th birthday is quickly approaching and here are the highlights of my 24th year:
1. I met, and dated for a short while, the perfect man on paper who was not so perfect in person.
2. I ran three tough races with minimal training and got a PR in two of them.
3. I ran in a Foam Glow 5k run and had way more fun than I had originally anticipated.
4. I ran in a hit and run 5k run and didn't have as much fun as I anticipated.
5. I fell in love with fitness, but I battled a lot of personal body image thoughts.
6. I realized my fitness dreams are achievable and set new fitness goals.
7. I lost my grandmother, whom helped raise me, and that was difficult.
8. I lost my grandfather, and I felt bad that I wasn't able to make it home for his funeral.
9. I covered up old wounds with extended family members by God's radical grace.
10. I started my 2nd year of teaching and it has been way harder than I expected.
11. I got myself a "new" car because my old car fell apart, and it wasn't as terrifying as I thought it would be.
12. I finally got baptized.
13. I met my niece and fell in love instantly.
14. I attended my best friend's wedding.
15. I read a lot of books.
16. I discovered a new TV show thanks to co-workers.
17. I attended a couple wine and canvases for fun and found out that I can follow directions.
18. I danced on a bar.
19. I survived several threats for not liking the Pittsburgh Steelers.
20. I lost friends, and rekindled old friendships -- if only for a short time.
21. I got involved with two church small groups.
22. I sang karaoke for the first, and hopefully the last time, and survived embarrassment.
23. I learned to love and appreciate yoga.
And last but not least, 24. I realized my birthday just isn't that exciting anymore. :P
As a little girl, I dreamed I would be married at 25, but unless I meet someone spectacular I realize that dream just isn't coming true. I'm also realizing that maybe my future isn't tied to a person. I may be single for life and that's okay. Until then, I'm going to keep loving and forgiving myself and others. If Mr. Right shows up, great. If not, that's okay too.
1. I met, and dated for a short while, the perfect man on paper who was not so perfect in person.
2. I ran three tough races with minimal training and got a PR in two of them.
3. I ran in a Foam Glow 5k run and had way more fun than I had originally anticipated.
4. I ran in a hit and run 5k run and didn't have as much fun as I anticipated.
5. I fell in love with fitness, but I battled a lot of personal body image thoughts.
6. I realized my fitness dreams are achievable and set new fitness goals.
7. I lost my grandmother, whom helped raise me, and that was difficult.
8. I lost my grandfather, and I felt bad that I wasn't able to make it home for his funeral.
9. I covered up old wounds with extended family members by God's radical grace.
10. I started my 2nd year of teaching and it has been way harder than I expected.
11. I got myself a "new" car because my old car fell apart, and it wasn't as terrifying as I thought it would be.
12. I finally got baptized.
13. I met my niece and fell in love instantly.
14. I attended my best friend's wedding.
15. I read a lot of books.
16. I discovered a new TV show thanks to co-workers.
17. I attended a couple wine and canvases for fun and found out that I can follow directions.
18. I danced on a bar.
19. I survived several threats for not liking the Pittsburgh Steelers.
20. I lost friends, and rekindled old friendships -- if only for a short time.
21. I got involved with two church small groups.
22. I sang karaoke for the first, and hopefully the last time, and survived embarrassment.
23. I learned to love and appreciate yoga.
And last but not least, 24. I realized my birthday just isn't that exciting anymore. :P
As a little girl, I dreamed I would be married at 25, but unless I meet someone spectacular I realize that dream just isn't coming true. I'm also realizing that maybe my future isn't tied to a person. I may be single for life and that's okay. Until then, I'm going to keep loving and forgiving myself and others. If Mr. Right shows up, great. If not, that's okay too.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
A selfish wish from the bottom of my grieving heart.
Dear Grammy,
It would be completely selfish of me, or anyone, to say that we wish you were still here. Your mind has been gone for a year now, and recognition comes few and far between. Your inability to distinguish real children from doll babies totally support that your mind was gone, but your heart was fully functioning on all cylinders.
I wanted to tell you, Grammy, that you have taught me so much about life and love. There is no one in this world that could have had such a big heart inside such a tiny frame like you did. Standing at 4'9" I'm convinced that throughout your life, though you may have been shrinking with age, your heart only grew. Honestly, I'm thinking my only regretful question I never asked you was how you managed to still be so pleasant and loved while being angry? Even during your angry "rages" you were still more pleasant than I have ever been when I am even the tiniest bit frustrated.
Mostly, I wanted to take this time to walk down memory lane with you -- for all the years you have helped raise me.
1. Thank you, for taking that photo of me sitting on the toilet. Though the picture is completely absurd, it demonstrates to me the radiance of just how proud of me you were in that moment. I was finally using my big girl potty, and I'm sure my parents were mortified by the photo. Thinking about it now, it showed me that even in the tiniest things you were proud of me, and that was only the beginning of it.
2. Just a tip for your mansion in heaven: plywood does not fix a broken couch. Your sea green couch was way past its prime when you decided to shove that plywood under the cushions, but that couch did serve its purpose by providing me a place to nap over the years. However, please note that your plywood just made the cushions slip off and it really wasn't the most pleasant thing to wake up on. How did we not get splinters from this contraption?
3. I'm sorry I broke your garage door. From swinging on that door all those times as a child, I'm amazed the doorknob never broke off. I guess they don't make doorknobs like they used to, because I'm certain that if a 50 pound kid swung on one it wouldn't be a fun game like your garage door was. I am sorry though, that it never quite shut right after all those years. It was fun though, until we got busted.
4. I'm sorry I broke your coffee table, the one with the "seat" on it. Though the coffee table really didn't have a built in seat, you did tolerate me sitting on it to color and complete puzzles from time to time. Then, the leg started to wobble, and I was no longer allowed on this seat, but thank you for the fun while it lasted.
5. I'm sorry I had to be bribed to sleep over at your house for the first time. This one is a tough one to swallow. It's a clear picture that describes my stubbornness and dedication to getting what I want. I'm sorry that in order for me to sleep over at your house, I made my parents buy me a computer game. I'm even more sorry that after they had bought me the stupid, computer game I spent the entire time crying for them until they came back. I am selfish, and I realize that now. Thank you for loving me anyway.
6. Why are squirrels so fascinating? No matter how many squirrels I could ever possibly have seen while growing up in Pennsylvania, you absolutely loved to watch them scurry up and down trees. Every single day I went to your house you'd pull me over to the window to show me the squirrels running up and down the tree with a big smile on your face. Your loving heart extended to animals too.
7. Thank you for loving my dog. I may have been completely frustrated with your inability to remember that you just fed my dog a four-course meal about 5 minutes ago, but truthfully I loved seeing you interact with my dog. Yes, I can thank you to the fact that my dog is overweight, but she loved visiting you so much. I'm confident she would ride any length of time in a car if she knew she was seeing you at the end.
8. Thank you for supporting my athletic events. No matter what sport I was in, you could be found in the grandstands with my picture pinned to your #1 Grandma sweatshirt. I cannot thank you enough for the countless hours you spent at sporting events to support me. It really means a lot.
9. Thank you for making anyone I brought over feel welcome. No matter who I brought over to your house you would continually welcome them with loving arms. Sure, you couldn't keep a lot of their names straight, but you always welcomed them.
10. Thank you, for believing that someday I will find my prince charming. Every time you asked me if I was wearing a wedding ring, it broke my heart a little bit because my happily ever after seems so far away. However, each time I told you no, that I was not married, you always reassured me that I was a catch and someone worth pursuing. So thank you, for believing in me.
Lastly, I'm so sorry I am not closer to you as you take your final breaths. I'm so sorry, but please know that it does not change in my heart the amount that I love you. I'm sorry you couldn't keep your memories straight as the years past, and I'm so sorry I couldn't help you sort through them when you were confused. It was heartbreaking to watch you relive your parents death every day that we had to explain they were no longer here. You're going to reunite with them very soon., and you're going to feel nothing but absolute joy and happiness where you are going. You are going to meet your Creator and wrap your loving arms around your siblings, your parents, your husband, and your son-in-law, too. There is a party waiting for your arrival and I am 100% certain that you are going to hear the Lord tell you, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." While I will miss you each and every day you're gone from here, I cannot be sad for you. I am sad for us, the ones you're leaving behind. I am joyful for you to have your memories back. I'm delighted you will reunite with the ones you've been missing here, but I am sad for us -- the ones that get left behind. So, Grammy, with my final words I have to say to you I want to say this one thing, "I'll see you again, someday, Lord willing. I love you."
Love,
Nikki
It would be completely selfish of me, or anyone, to say that we wish you were still here. Your mind has been gone for a year now, and recognition comes few and far between. Your inability to distinguish real children from doll babies totally support that your mind was gone, but your heart was fully functioning on all cylinders.
I wanted to tell you, Grammy, that you have taught me so much about life and love. There is no one in this world that could have had such a big heart inside such a tiny frame like you did. Standing at 4'9" I'm convinced that throughout your life, though you may have been shrinking with age, your heart only grew. Honestly, I'm thinking my only regretful question I never asked you was how you managed to still be so pleasant and loved while being angry? Even during your angry "rages" you were still more pleasant than I have ever been when I am even the tiniest bit frustrated.
Mostly, I wanted to take this time to walk down memory lane with you -- for all the years you have helped raise me.
1. Thank you, for taking that photo of me sitting on the toilet. Though the picture is completely absurd, it demonstrates to me the radiance of just how proud of me you were in that moment. I was finally using my big girl potty, and I'm sure my parents were mortified by the photo. Thinking about it now, it showed me that even in the tiniest things you were proud of me, and that was only the beginning of it.
2. Just a tip for your mansion in heaven: plywood does not fix a broken couch. Your sea green couch was way past its prime when you decided to shove that plywood under the cushions, but that couch did serve its purpose by providing me a place to nap over the years. However, please note that your plywood just made the cushions slip off and it really wasn't the most pleasant thing to wake up on. How did we not get splinters from this contraption?
3. I'm sorry I broke your garage door. From swinging on that door all those times as a child, I'm amazed the doorknob never broke off. I guess they don't make doorknobs like they used to, because I'm certain that if a 50 pound kid swung on one it wouldn't be a fun game like your garage door was. I am sorry though, that it never quite shut right after all those years. It was fun though, until we got busted.
4. I'm sorry I broke your coffee table, the one with the "seat" on it. Though the coffee table really didn't have a built in seat, you did tolerate me sitting on it to color and complete puzzles from time to time. Then, the leg started to wobble, and I was no longer allowed on this seat, but thank you for the fun while it lasted.
5. I'm sorry I had to be bribed to sleep over at your house for the first time. This one is a tough one to swallow. It's a clear picture that describes my stubbornness and dedication to getting what I want. I'm sorry that in order for me to sleep over at your house, I made my parents buy me a computer game. I'm even more sorry that after they had bought me the stupid, computer game I spent the entire time crying for them until they came back. I am selfish, and I realize that now. Thank you for loving me anyway.
6. Why are squirrels so fascinating? No matter how many squirrels I could ever possibly have seen while growing up in Pennsylvania, you absolutely loved to watch them scurry up and down trees. Every single day I went to your house you'd pull me over to the window to show me the squirrels running up and down the tree with a big smile on your face. Your loving heart extended to animals too.
7. Thank you for loving my dog. I may have been completely frustrated with your inability to remember that you just fed my dog a four-course meal about 5 minutes ago, but truthfully I loved seeing you interact with my dog. Yes, I can thank you to the fact that my dog is overweight, but she loved visiting you so much. I'm confident she would ride any length of time in a car if she knew she was seeing you at the end.
8. Thank you for supporting my athletic events. No matter what sport I was in, you could be found in the grandstands with my picture pinned to your #1 Grandma sweatshirt. I cannot thank you enough for the countless hours you spent at sporting events to support me. It really means a lot.
9. Thank you for making anyone I brought over feel welcome. No matter who I brought over to your house you would continually welcome them with loving arms. Sure, you couldn't keep a lot of their names straight, but you always welcomed them.
10. Thank you, for believing that someday I will find my prince charming. Every time you asked me if I was wearing a wedding ring, it broke my heart a little bit because my happily ever after seems so far away. However, each time I told you no, that I was not married, you always reassured me that I was a catch and someone worth pursuing. So thank you, for believing in me.
Lastly, I'm so sorry I am not closer to you as you take your final breaths. I'm so sorry, but please know that it does not change in my heart the amount that I love you. I'm sorry you couldn't keep your memories straight as the years past, and I'm so sorry I couldn't help you sort through them when you were confused. It was heartbreaking to watch you relive your parents death every day that we had to explain they were no longer here. You're going to reunite with them very soon., and you're going to feel nothing but absolute joy and happiness where you are going. You are going to meet your Creator and wrap your loving arms around your siblings, your parents, your husband, and your son-in-law, too. There is a party waiting for your arrival and I am 100% certain that you are going to hear the Lord tell you, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." While I will miss you each and every day you're gone from here, I cannot be sad for you. I am sad for us, the ones you're leaving behind. I am joyful for you to have your memories back. I'm delighted you will reunite with the ones you've been missing here, but I am sad for us -- the ones that get left behind. So, Grammy, with my final words I have to say to you I want to say this one thing, "I'll see you again, someday, Lord willing. I love you."
Love,
Nikki
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Relationships and their hurts --- is it worth it?
For the past two months, I have spent the majority of my time balancing my own personal life with trying to admit another person into it. For the last year, I have considered, what would I be willing to sacrifice for a relationship? What will I give up in order to put myself in a functional, working relationship? I had selfish ambitions for the last three years, but the ever daunting loneliness was sinking into me. This feeling was so much apart of what I was feeling that I was considering to move closer to my family because I just wasn't meeting anyone.
I gave online dating a shot in the dark. Well, online dating has since proven to be a burden on someone that is untrusting and insecure like me. I thought I was over those feelings, but over the last several weeks, I have learned otherwise. There was a band-aid covering age-old wounds that were suddenly ripped open and bleeding.
To start, online dating was nothing but overwhelming. I went into it with the idea and concept that I would give lots of people a shot. Conversations ended quickly, and many wanted to move ever quicker to get off the website. I had stored people into my phone as descriptions of who they were so I could remember them.
In one weekend, I spent Friday night going out with a man I ended up seeing for about two months. I didn't know it then, but it was going to be the relationship, or start of one, that was going to throw me back into these feelings of insecurity. However, that Friday night was and will always be a good story to tell my friends and family. On Saturday of that same weekend, I met two other individuals. The first was awkward in forced questions with short answers and uncomfortable silence. I have never been so excited to not have to be sitting at a meal with someone. We played mini golf, and that was awkward enough. The second man I met that night was shorter than I and portrayed himself to be incredibly wealthy. He was nice enough, and a man of strong faith which I had appreciated a lot. However, by the end of that "date" he told me in no uncertain words, that I could consider a boob job if I would ever want to get plastic surgery. Needless to say, I did not see either one of those gentlemen again. Sunday, I was back with the man from Friday night spending the entire day with him.
This relationship was off to a quick start, but I thought it was the beginning of an adult relationship. I was excited to have really hit it off with someone that wasn't into any games and seemed to have the same faith based beliefs as I did. I had a string of overly stressful, bad days at work, and my friend was being forced to move to a new building when he called to push back our dinner time. I had finished making dinner, and just wanted to spend time with him after an incredibly stressful day. I was frustrated and I wanted to let him know that. I thought that keeping my feelings inside and not expressing to him that he was frustrating me would be the wrong thing to do. I wanted to be open and honest with this relationship, and I have seen countless times that men are not mind readers and do not pick up on hints. This was the first time I would ever learn of what is called the "shit test." Apparently, that is what I had given him. A test to see how he would react based on me telling him that I was frustrated with him for moving our plans, when the day before we had agreed to not change our plans unless there was an emergency. I thought I was just being honest, and he thought that I was putting him through some kind of test. Now, don't get me wrong, there is always three sides to every story and his point of view is clearly different than mine. He is entitled to this opinion.
Later, I felt guilty for being off-putting towards him and acting rudely. I took my frustrations out on him. I apologized, but he was ready to call it quits right there. I should have taken the hint and bowed out gracefully right then and there. However, I was determined that I would put forth a solid effort towards him, but I had a sinking feeling that his profile was back up online. Sure enough, I saw that it was. I did not confront him because I justified that he was able to do so since we had only been seeing each other for a short time and that I was not able to call myself his girlfriend yet. Several weeks go by, he flies me up to San Francisco for the weekend to see him even though he's working. I thought that at this point we were pretty exclusive because he had gone through the trouble of doing that. I asked him what he would consider us to be, and he told me he didn't like labels. That should have been red flag number two.
To make a long story short, I spent a lot of gas money driving over to his place several times a week. He refused to come visit me, and when I did see him during the week it was always at 7:30 or later. I made excuses for him because I knew he was having a busy work schedule, and I wasn't ready to say that he was just being selfish and uncompromisable. Fast forward to this past Friday, when we hashed it out over the phone which the conversation ended in me stating, "You won't hear from me until you figure out what you want." His response was, "Cool. Goodnight." I haven't heard from him since.
So, what did I give up? Well, I certainly made time for my faith. I still attended my weekend church services and the small groups each week. I did give up my time, and my exercise routine. I skipped the gym and pretended to be okay with it. I prayed over and over again that things would turn around, and that this was only a temporary thing. Since I haven't heard from him I understand now that I was living in a jaded state of mind. I didn't think that I would fall for someone so stupidly again, but I was wrong. I'm not sad, but I am frustrated. I am 25 in just under one month, and I've dated enough people to know that it is not something I want to continue to do. I want to settle down if I'm with someone, and if I am single I want to be content with that. Meeting people here seems to be the hardest thing. I am sad that I have to start all over again, because I was just learning how to trust someone again. I gave up more than he did, and for what? To end up feeling silly and foolish while he feels satisfaction, I'm sure.
I could use the prayers of anyone reading this right now because I am facing the negative thoughts and feelings that I had three years ago when I ended that relationship. I know that this is not the end, and that I can and probably will find someone out there who is truly "meant for me." It is just hard to understand how people can have unequal feelings toward you when you seem to be investing your time and energy into them so clearly.
I gave online dating a shot in the dark. Well, online dating has since proven to be a burden on someone that is untrusting and insecure like me. I thought I was over those feelings, but over the last several weeks, I have learned otherwise. There was a band-aid covering age-old wounds that were suddenly ripped open and bleeding.
To start, online dating was nothing but overwhelming. I went into it with the idea and concept that I would give lots of people a shot. Conversations ended quickly, and many wanted to move ever quicker to get off the website. I had stored people into my phone as descriptions of who they were so I could remember them.
In one weekend, I spent Friday night going out with a man I ended up seeing for about two months. I didn't know it then, but it was going to be the relationship, or start of one, that was going to throw me back into these feelings of insecurity. However, that Friday night was and will always be a good story to tell my friends and family. On Saturday of that same weekend, I met two other individuals. The first was awkward in forced questions with short answers and uncomfortable silence. I have never been so excited to not have to be sitting at a meal with someone. We played mini golf, and that was awkward enough. The second man I met that night was shorter than I and portrayed himself to be incredibly wealthy. He was nice enough, and a man of strong faith which I had appreciated a lot. However, by the end of that "date" he told me in no uncertain words, that I could consider a boob job if I would ever want to get plastic surgery. Needless to say, I did not see either one of those gentlemen again. Sunday, I was back with the man from Friday night spending the entire day with him.
This relationship was off to a quick start, but I thought it was the beginning of an adult relationship. I was excited to have really hit it off with someone that wasn't into any games and seemed to have the same faith based beliefs as I did. I had a string of overly stressful, bad days at work, and my friend was being forced to move to a new building when he called to push back our dinner time. I had finished making dinner, and just wanted to spend time with him after an incredibly stressful day. I was frustrated and I wanted to let him know that. I thought that keeping my feelings inside and not expressing to him that he was frustrating me would be the wrong thing to do. I wanted to be open and honest with this relationship, and I have seen countless times that men are not mind readers and do not pick up on hints. This was the first time I would ever learn of what is called the "shit test." Apparently, that is what I had given him. A test to see how he would react based on me telling him that I was frustrated with him for moving our plans, when the day before we had agreed to not change our plans unless there was an emergency. I thought I was just being honest, and he thought that I was putting him through some kind of test. Now, don't get me wrong, there is always three sides to every story and his point of view is clearly different than mine. He is entitled to this opinion.
Later, I felt guilty for being off-putting towards him and acting rudely. I took my frustrations out on him. I apologized, but he was ready to call it quits right there. I should have taken the hint and bowed out gracefully right then and there. However, I was determined that I would put forth a solid effort towards him, but I had a sinking feeling that his profile was back up online. Sure enough, I saw that it was. I did not confront him because I justified that he was able to do so since we had only been seeing each other for a short time and that I was not able to call myself his girlfriend yet. Several weeks go by, he flies me up to San Francisco for the weekend to see him even though he's working. I thought that at this point we were pretty exclusive because he had gone through the trouble of doing that. I asked him what he would consider us to be, and he told me he didn't like labels. That should have been red flag number two.
To make a long story short, I spent a lot of gas money driving over to his place several times a week. He refused to come visit me, and when I did see him during the week it was always at 7:30 or later. I made excuses for him because I knew he was having a busy work schedule, and I wasn't ready to say that he was just being selfish and uncompromisable. Fast forward to this past Friday, when we hashed it out over the phone which the conversation ended in me stating, "You won't hear from me until you figure out what you want." His response was, "Cool. Goodnight." I haven't heard from him since.
So, what did I give up? Well, I certainly made time for my faith. I still attended my weekend church services and the small groups each week. I did give up my time, and my exercise routine. I skipped the gym and pretended to be okay with it. I prayed over and over again that things would turn around, and that this was only a temporary thing. Since I haven't heard from him I understand now that I was living in a jaded state of mind. I didn't think that I would fall for someone so stupidly again, but I was wrong. I'm not sad, but I am frustrated. I am 25 in just under one month, and I've dated enough people to know that it is not something I want to continue to do. I want to settle down if I'm with someone, and if I am single I want to be content with that. Meeting people here seems to be the hardest thing. I am sad that I have to start all over again, because I was just learning how to trust someone again. I gave up more than he did, and for what? To end up feeling silly and foolish while he feels satisfaction, I'm sure.
I could use the prayers of anyone reading this right now because I am facing the negative thoughts and feelings that I had three years ago when I ended that relationship. I know that this is not the end, and that I can and probably will find someone out there who is truly "meant for me." It is just hard to understand how people can have unequal feelings toward you when you seem to be investing your time and energy into them so clearly.
Friday, July 18, 2014
The Craziest Dreams!!
Okay, I'll try to keep this brief. Last night I had the craziest dreams!! I dreamt that my mother was shot in the head through our window with a shotgun by my cousins, and out of my stupidity I was next. Then I woke up. Next up in my dreams was getting baptized in a mud bath (it symbolized that I didn't have to be "clean" and have my life together, but that Jesus would help me do that daily). My young adult group leaders at church had filmed the entire event and really encouraged me and I cried. It was actually a beautiful dream. Then my final dream of the night, I was mad at myself because I ate pizza (like 3 pieces) and Reese pieces and ruined my 21 day clutch cut diet. I guess I am craving things in my subconscious mind! Don't worry, my mom hasn't died. I did call her at 3AM my time 6AM hers to wake her up and make sure she was alive. & I didn't break diet. I'm going strong with the help of the Lord!
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