For the past two months, I have spent the majority of my time balancing my own personal life with trying to admit another person into it. For the last year, I have considered, what would I be willing to sacrifice for a relationship? What will I give up in order to put myself in a functional, working relationship? I had selfish ambitions for the last three years, but the ever daunting loneliness was sinking into me. This feeling was so much apart of what I was feeling that I was considering to move closer to my family because I just wasn't meeting anyone.
I gave online dating a shot in the dark. Well, online dating has since proven to be a burden on someone that is untrusting and insecure like me. I thought I was over those feelings, but over the last several weeks, I have learned otherwise. There was a band-aid covering age-old wounds that were suddenly ripped open and bleeding.
To start, online dating was nothing but overwhelming. I went into it with the idea and concept that I would give lots of people a shot. Conversations ended quickly, and many wanted to move ever quicker to get off the website. I had stored people into my phone as descriptions of who they were so I could remember them.
In one weekend, I spent Friday night going out with a man I ended up seeing for about two months. I didn't know it then, but it was going to be the relationship, or start of one, that was going to throw me back into these feelings of insecurity. However, that Friday night was and will always be a good story to tell my friends and family. On Saturday of that same weekend, I met two other individuals. The first was awkward in forced questions with short answers and uncomfortable silence. I have never been so excited to not have to be sitting at a meal with someone. We played mini golf, and that was awkward enough. The second man I met that night was shorter than I and portrayed himself to be incredibly wealthy. He was nice enough, and a man of strong faith which I had appreciated a lot. However, by the end of that "date" he told me in no uncertain words, that I could consider a boob job if I would ever want to get plastic surgery. Needless to say, I did not see either one of those gentlemen again. Sunday, I was back with the man from Friday night spending the entire day with him.
This relationship was off to a quick start, but I thought it was the beginning of an adult relationship. I was excited to have really hit it off with someone that wasn't into any games and seemed to have the same faith based beliefs as I did. I had a string of overly stressful, bad days at work, and my friend was being forced to move to a new building when he called to push back our dinner time. I had finished making dinner, and just wanted to spend time with him after an incredibly stressful day. I was frustrated and I wanted to let him know that. I thought that keeping my feelings inside and not expressing to him that he was frustrating me would be the wrong thing to do. I wanted to be open and honest with this relationship, and I have seen countless times that men are not mind readers and do not pick up on hints. This was the first time I would ever learn of what is called the "shit test." Apparently, that is what I had given him. A test to see how he would react based on me telling him that I was frustrated with him for moving our plans, when the day before we had agreed to not change our plans unless there was an emergency. I thought I was just being honest, and he thought that I was putting him through some kind of test. Now, don't get me wrong, there is always three sides to every story and his point of view is clearly different than mine. He is entitled to this opinion.
Later, I felt guilty for being off-putting towards him and acting rudely. I took my frustrations out on him. I apologized, but he was ready to call it quits right there. I should have taken the hint and bowed out gracefully right then and there. However, I was determined that I would put forth a solid effort towards him, but I had a sinking feeling that his profile was back up online. Sure enough, I saw that it was. I did not confront him because I justified that he was able to do so since we had only been seeing each other for a short time and that I was not able to call myself his girlfriend yet. Several weeks go by, he flies me up to San Francisco for the weekend to see him even though he's working. I thought that at this point we were pretty exclusive because he had gone through the trouble of doing that. I asked him what he would consider us to be, and he told me he didn't like labels. That should have been red flag number two.
To make a long story short, I spent a lot of gas money driving over to his place several times a week. He refused to come visit me, and when I did see him during the week it was always at 7:30 or later. I made excuses for him because I knew he was having a busy work schedule, and I wasn't ready to say that he was just being selfish and uncompromisable. Fast forward to this past Friday, when we hashed it out over the phone which the conversation ended in me stating, "You won't hear from me until you figure out what you want." His response was, "Cool. Goodnight." I haven't heard from him since.
So, what did I give up? Well, I certainly made time for my faith. I still attended my weekend church services and the small groups each week. I did give up my time, and my exercise routine. I skipped the gym and pretended to be okay with it. I prayed over and over again that things would turn around, and that this was only a temporary thing. Since I haven't heard from him I understand now that I was living in a jaded state of mind. I didn't think that I would fall for someone so stupidly again, but I was wrong. I'm not sad, but I am frustrated. I am 25 in just under one month, and I've dated enough people to know that it is not something I want to continue to do. I want to settle down if I'm with someone, and if I am single I want to be content with that. Meeting people here seems to be the hardest thing. I am sad that I have to start all over again, because I was just learning how to trust someone again. I gave up more than he did, and for what? To end up feeling silly and foolish while he feels satisfaction, I'm sure.
I could use the prayers of anyone reading this right now because I am facing the negative thoughts and feelings that I had three years ago when I ended that relationship. I know that this is not the end, and that I can and probably will find someone out there who is truly "meant for me." It is just hard to understand how people can have unequal feelings toward you when you seem to be investing your time and energy into them so clearly.
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