It would be completely selfish of me, or anyone, to say that we wish you were still here. Your mind has been gone for a year now, and recognition comes few and far between. Your inability to distinguish real children from doll babies totally support that your mind was gone, but your heart was fully functioning on all cylinders.
I wanted to tell you, Grammy, that you have taught me so much about life and love. There is no one in this world that could have had such a big heart inside such a tiny frame like you did. Standing at 4'9" I'm convinced that throughout your life, though you may have been shrinking with age, your heart only grew. Honestly, I'm thinking my only regretful question I never asked you was how you managed to still be so pleasant and loved while being angry? Even during your angry "rages" you were still more pleasant than I have ever been when I am even the tiniest bit frustrated.
Mostly, I wanted to take this time to walk down memory lane with you -- for all the years you have helped raise me.
1. Thank you, for taking that photo of me sitting on the toilet. Though the picture is completely absurd, it demonstrates to me the radiance of just how proud of me you were in that moment. I was finally using my big girl potty, and I'm sure my parents were mortified by the photo. Thinking about it now, it showed me that even in the tiniest things you were proud of me, and that was only the beginning of it.
2. Just a tip for your mansion in heaven: plywood does not fix a broken couch. Your sea green couch was way past its prime when you decided to shove that plywood under the cushions, but that couch did serve its purpose by providing me a place to nap over the years. However, please note that your plywood just made the cushions slip off and it really wasn't the most pleasant thing to wake up on. How did we not get splinters from this contraption?
3. I'm sorry I broke your garage door. From swinging on that door all those times as a child, I'm amazed the doorknob never broke off. I guess they don't make doorknobs like they used to, because I'm certain that if a 50 pound kid swung on one it wouldn't be a fun game like your garage door was. I am sorry though, that it never quite shut right after all those years. It was fun though, until we got busted.
4. I'm sorry I broke your coffee table, the one with the "seat" on it. Though the coffee table really didn't have a built in seat, you did tolerate me sitting on it to color and complete puzzles from time to time. Then, the leg started to wobble, and I was no longer allowed on this seat, but thank you for the fun while it lasted.
5. I'm sorry I had to be bribed to sleep over at your house for the first time. This one is a tough one to swallow. It's a clear picture that describes my stubbornness and dedication to getting what I want. I'm sorry that in order for me to sleep over at your house, I made my parents buy me a computer game. I'm even more sorry that after they had bought me the stupid, computer game I spent the entire time crying for them until they came back. I am selfish, and I realize that now. Thank you for loving me anyway.
6. Why are squirrels so fascinating? No matter how many squirrels I could ever possibly have seen while growing up in Pennsylvania, you absolutely loved to watch them scurry up and down trees. Every single day I went to your house you'd pull me over to the window to show me the squirrels running up and down the tree with a big smile on your face. Your loving heart extended to animals too.
7. Thank you for loving my dog. I may have been completely frustrated with your inability to remember that you just fed my dog a four-course meal about 5 minutes ago, but truthfully I loved seeing you interact with my dog. Yes, I can thank you to the fact that my dog is overweight, but she loved visiting you so much. I'm confident she would ride any length of time in a car if she knew she was seeing you at the end.
8. Thank you for supporting my athletic events. No matter what sport I was in, you could be found in the grandstands with my picture pinned to your #1 Grandma sweatshirt. I cannot thank you enough for the countless hours you spent at sporting events to support me. It really means a lot.
9. Thank you for making anyone I brought over feel welcome. No matter who I brought over to your house you would continually welcome them with loving arms. Sure, you couldn't keep a lot of their names straight, but you always welcomed them.
10. Thank you, for believing that someday I will find my prince charming. Every time you asked me if I was wearing a wedding ring, it broke my heart a little bit because my happily ever after seems so far away. However, each time I told you no, that I was not married, you always reassured me that I was a catch and someone worth pursuing. So thank you, for believing in me.
Lastly, I'm so sorry I am not closer to you as you take your final breaths. I'm so sorry, but please know that it does not change in my heart the amount that I love you. I'm sorry you couldn't keep your memories straight as the years past, and I'm so sorry I couldn't help you sort through them when you were confused. It was heartbreaking to watch you relive your parents death every day that we had to explain they were no longer here. You're going to reunite with them very soon., and you're going to feel nothing but absolute joy and happiness where you are going. You are going to meet your Creator and wrap your loving arms around your siblings, your parents, your husband, and your son-in-law, too. There is a party waiting for your arrival and I am 100% certain that you are going to hear the Lord tell you, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." While I will miss you each and every day you're gone from here, I cannot be sad for you. I am sad for us, the ones you're leaving behind. I am joyful for you to have your memories back. I'm delighted you will reunite with the ones you've been missing here, but I am sad for us -- the ones that get left behind. So, Grammy, with my final words I have to say to you I want to say this one thing, "I'll see you again, someday, Lord willing. I love you."
Love,
Nikki
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